woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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