Kiss
Puke
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
