we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
