Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Randomize
