I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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