get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
