her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Randomize
