dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
He did a backflip because drugs
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
