Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
