Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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