Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
