She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
