My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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