Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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