I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
