Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
