My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
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