I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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