Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
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