he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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