either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
