I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize