So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
