everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
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