Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
