I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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