Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Randomize
