The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
