ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Randomize
