if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
