would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Are these your boobs on my camera?
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
