When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
