two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Randomize
