yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
