I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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