everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
