I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Randomize
