Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize