you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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