So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
