I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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