you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
