Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
