Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
