he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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