The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Randomize
