You smell like a Billy Joel song
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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