my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
