I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
