Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
