Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Randomize
