Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
