You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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