My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Randomize