Old men and throwing up are my life now.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Randomize
