If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
